Did You Ever Feel This Way?

Two poems from "Dementia Diary" written while Mom was still alive. Ten years separated the writing of these verses during which she surprised everyone not only by surviving, but also by becoming gentler and more loving year after year. She's gone now, but the feelings that motivated the writing remain fresh and new. I hope they are meaningful to you too.


1993

It's downhill now and going fast.
I don't know how long she can last.
I picture her in decades past;
And I deny the truth.

She was a woman smart and bright,
Whose energy gave off a light.
I picture her all dressed in white;
And I deny the truth.

Her beauty gone, her judgment lost.
Her affection for me now is forced.
She's terrifying when she's crossed;
And I deny the truth.

She's widowed now and all alone.
She sets a self-destructive tone.
It's hard to love this angry crone;
And I deny the truth.

I grieve for who she was when I
Was young and did not have to lie.
So many memories to untie;
And I deny the truth.

The truth is that she soon may die;
And then I'll have to learn to cry;
And also have to face this lie,
And not deny the truth.


2003

The truth is that she did not die.
She was not ready to say goodbye;
But like a fairy butterfly
she makes me face the truth.

From her cocoon she struggled out
not knowing what her life's about;
too frail to rage and rant and shout.
She makes me face the truth.

She's gentle now, her anger gone,
she's sweet and kind, a paragon
who's loved and praised by everyone.
She makes me face the truth.

Her memory is very weak
as is her shrunken bent physique.
Her voice is raspy. When she speaks
she makes me face the truth.

She can't recall her family,
and friends she knew will ever be
gone, forgotten, absentee.
She makes me face the truth.

The truth is that I miss the days
she made me crazy with her ways.
This cheery cherub's face portrays
a stranger's unknown truth.

Bob Tell
Author, "Dementia-Diary, A Caregiver's Journal"
http://www.dementia-diary.com